


The Detectorists

by TheFlirtMeister



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Metal detectors, Pennywise Kind Of Exists But Doesn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 13:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13168143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFlirtMeister/pseuds/TheFlirtMeister
Summary: Stan gets a metal detector for his Bar Mitzvah, and Richie and Bill drag him out to find treasure. Antics ensue.





	The Detectorists

**Author's Note:**

> woo, this is a secret santa gift for thatgazebobullshit!! I hope u enjoy!!

Stan gets the metal detector for his Bar Mitzvah, a Fischer brand that rather just looks like a pole with a box stuck on the end to it. It’s a present from his grandmother, who has no idea what a 13-year-old boy would like, let alone what a boy like _Stan_ would like.

“Thank you.” He says when she gives it to him. “That’s very nice of you.”

“You can go out with your friends!” She says, and then takes a break to cough up a lung. His grandma’s been a smoker since she was 13 years old, and Stan has to wash his clothes twice after he’s been to her house. “You can find treasure and old coins.”

Stan thinks of Richie and Bill, who spend most of their time reading comics and playing at the arcade. “Sure grandma.”

She pats him on the cheek, and then squeezes it for good measure. “All grown up!” She announces, and grins at Stan’s father, showing off pink gums. “You must be so proud.”

“We are.” Stan’s father says, resting his hands on Stan’s shoulders. “So much.”

That evening, when most of the family have gone home, Stan takes the metal detector to his mother. She’s sitting in the dining room, paper spread out around her, having a conversation with his auntie in the next room. There’s lots of yelling going on between the two of them, but Stan thinks it’s just the Jewish way.

“Can I return the metal detector for money?” He asks his mother dubiously, as she meticulously writes down what presents he got, and who from, so he can write thank you notes later.

“No.” She says, not looking up from her penmanship. “Grandma bought it for you, therefore you have to keep it.”

“I don’t want a metal detector.” He says, crossing his arms. “I wanted books on birds.”

“You can detect the birds with the metal detector.” His mother waves her pen around for emphasis.

“Birds aren’t made of _metal_.”

“If they’ve been shot by hunters they would do.” His cousin says, who is sitting nearby. She’s 15, which apparently means she knows everything and never shuts up about it. She also has her foot up on the dining table as she paints her nails. “You could detect bullets.”

Stan gapes at her in a mixture of horror and disgust, and then turns back to his mother. “I don’t want it.”

His mother puts her pen down and stares him right in the face. “You’re keeping it.” She says firmly, in a no-nonsense voice, and Stan realises the matter is closed.

-

Richie comes around a week later after all the festivities are over, and it’s safe to enter Stan’s house without being forced to listen to him practise his Torah portion. He bounds in through the front door, stopping to say hello to Stan’s parents, and then barges his way into Stan’s room.

“Salutations!” He announces, throwing himself onto the bed. “You look like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders.”

“It has.” Stan says, from where he was at his desk writing a thank you letter to his mother’s uncle’s cousin, who bought him a book token. “I’m free for the rest of summer. I never have to think about Aaron and his lamps again.”

“Thank the fucking lord.” Richie presses his hands together in mock prayer, and then lifts his head. “Hey, is it okay to talk about Catholic shit in a Jewish house? Will God strike me down? Will Moses burn my bush?”

“Shut up.” Stan says wearily, signing his name on the card and then pushes it far away from him. “You’ve said worse in this house.”

“I’ve done worse in this house as well.” Richie continues, “And I’ve done people in this house-“

Stan throws a pen at his head. It bounces off Richie’s glasses and lands on the floor, rolling underneath the bed.

“Ten points! Ten points to Stan the man for making a hit, anddddd twenty points for hitting my glasses! Would have been thirty points but the pen is now lost into the ether underneath the bed.” Richie announces.

Stan mock cheers. “I’ll do better next time, don’t worry. Need to keep up my practise of throwing things at you.”

“Fun for all the family.” Richie agrees, and then brightens. “Hey! You should come to the arcade with me tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? What’s happening tomorrow?”

“Nothing, I just have plans to go to the arcade.” Richie says, “I want to beat your ass at Dragon’s Lair.”

Stan snorts. “You’re terrible at Dragon’s Lair. You always die after five minutes.”

“Nuh-uh! I’ve got better.” Richie swings himself upside down, dangling off the side of the bed. “If I go looking underneath your bed will I find all your dirty porn magazines?”

“Yes.” Stan says, deadpan. “All my playboy magazines.”

“I thought you were more into birds than bunnies.” Richie says, hands fumbling underneath the bed. “Ew, I think I found your wank sock.”

“I don’t even have a wank sock-“ Stan starts, and then Richie crows with delight.

“What’s this?!” He yanks out the metal detector from underneath the bed. “A stripper pole?”

“It’s a metal detector you fucking moron.” Stan says, pushing himself over to Richie on his swivel chair. “It was a present from my Grandma.”

“Sheesh, has your grandma met you?” Richie asks, spinning the detector in his hands. “Why would she give you this?”

Stan raises and then lowers one shoulder. “I don’t know.”

“Does it work?” Richie asks, switching it on.

“I don’t know.” Stan repeats.

“You mean you haven’t tried it out yet?” Richie asks, and Stan shakes his head.

“Not yet.”

“What? Are you insane?” Richie asks, and then launches the pole above his head like a weapon. “We could get rich from this! We could be millionaires! We could uncover the world’s biggest Saxon hoard!”

“The Saxons are British.” Stan says, “We’re in the middle of Maine, USA.”

“USA, USA, USA.” Richie chants, pumping the pole up and down in the air, and Stan can’t help but laugh.

“God you’re such an idiot.” He says, a little fondly. “Let’s try it out then. See if we can find a Pilgrim treasure or something.”

“Imagine,” Richie says, eyes wide. “A pilgrim dildo.”

“Made out of _metal_?”

“Old people were fucked up!” Richie says, “They drank cocaine and snorted whisky! They were doing all kinds of crazy shit!”

“We’re not going to find a pilgrim dildo in the middle of Derry, Maine.” Stan says.

“Okay then,” Richie says, and then his voice goes sly. “A pilgrim butt plug.”

Stan shoves him so hard he falls off the bed, Richie shrieking all the while.

-

“S-s-s-so let me get this s-straight.” Bill says, “You want us to walk around town, with a b-b-big metal s-s-stick, and s-s-search for treasure?”

“That’s the plan!” Richie crows triumphantly, hitting Bill on the back. “We’re going to strike gold and get rich Billy boy.”

Bill looks at Stan, who raises his eyebrows in return. They’re sitting in Bill’s room, the metal detector sitting on Bill’s lap, and he’s running his fingers along it like there’s a secret Braille code written on it.

“I really d-d-doubt there’s gold in this town.” Bill says slowly, “Nothing’s here.”

“There was a Pilgrim stronghold though.” Stan says, because he’s been doing research in the library. “This was a big Pilgrim settlement, that’s why our pipes and sewage works are so weird and connected. It’s all the Pilgrim’s fault.”

“Fuck the Pilgrims.” Richie says, who is wandering round Bill’s room, picking stuff up and then putting it down again. “What happened to them?”

“Well a plague hit the people who lived here.” Stan says, “So they were all wiped out.”

Richie gasps, and they turn to look at him. He’s holding one of Georgie’s paper boats, and waves it in the air as he speaks. “What if we find a plague pit! What if we get infected! What if we die of an incurable disease, and then spread the plague throughout Derry, and then the world, and then-“

“Beep beep Richie.” Bill says, “And put down Georgie’s boat. He’ll get m-m-mad if you break it.”

“I’m not going to break it.” Richie says, but sets it down gently all the same. “Where is my beautiful brother from another mother anyway?”

“P-playing in his room, I think.” Bill says, with a shrug. “Mom bought him this little frog toy and he’s in l-l-love with it.”

“What kind of frog is it?” Stan asks, and Bill shrugs.

“A green one.”

“Very scientific classification.” Stan says, bumping Bill, and Bill laughs.

“I know.”

“Oh my god you two are fucking nerds.” Richie says, and then tilts his head back yelling, “Nerdy as shit!”

“Richie!” Bill hisses, “My f-f-family are home!”

“Oh, sorry.” Richie says, and then yells out again. “Nerdy as excrement!”

“Jesus Christ I’m going to fucking murder him.” Stan says, and Richie points a finger at him.

“Bill, Stan swore! And said the Lord’s name in vain. That’s two misdemeanours.”

Stan looks at Bill. “Are you going to put me in jail?” He asks dryly.

“Two misdemeanours equals d-d-death.” Bill replies, lifting the metal detector and gently tapping Stan’s neck with it. “You have b-been executed for your c-crimes.”

“Bleh.” Stan says, pretending to die dramatically. “Tell my mother I never wanted to have a Bar Mitzvah and that I never liked Richie Tozier.”

“You son of a bitch.” Richie says, watching Stan flop about on the floor like a fish. “I’m not coming to your stone setting.”

Stan props himself up on one elbow. “You know what a stone setting is?”

“I’ve been researching Judaism.” Richie says, “When we marry, I’m gonna convert.”

“No fair, I c-c-called dibs on Stan.” Bill says, now just lightly tapping Stan’s legs with the end of the pole. “My husband, not yours.”

“I’m still dead by the way.” Stan says, and Bill taps him on the head. “Blehhh.”

“Well, I’ll resurrect you.” Richie says, and then brightens considerably. “What if we find a resurrection stone! What if we find the tablet that bring the dead back to life!”

“T-t-that doesn’t exist Rich.” Bill says, and Richie folds his arms.

“How do you know, Biliam? Huh?? You some fancy resurrection professor? You a necromancer now? Didn’t think so.”

Bill laughs, and then offers him the metal detector pole as an offer of good will. “Okay then,” He says, smiling. “Let’s find s-s-some treasure.”

Richie whoops happily, spinning the pole like a marching band leader, and Stan sighs and wonders what he’s got them all in for.

-

They take the metal detector to the barrens because things can get easily buried under the soil or in the rivers. They each have backpacks on, to store anything they find, and Stan made sandwiches for everyone, because he doesn’t know how long they’ll be out there for.

“I love you.” Richie says, through a mouthful of jam. “You’re the best.”

“I can’t believe you’re eating them already.” Stan says, kicking a rock through the water. “It’s barely 12 o’clock.”

“Man’s gotta eat Stanley!” Richie protests. “Isn’t that right Bill?”

“You have j-jam on your nose.” Bill says, and Richie licks it off with his tongue. “That’s d-d-disgusting.”

“I am the sexiest god damn man alive.” Richie says proudly, sucking jam from his fingers. “Ladies love me. Men want me.”

“Friends hate you.” Stan says wearily, and then looks over at Bill who is holding the metal detector. “Anything?”

“N-nope.” Bill says. “Lots of broken b-b-bottles.”

“Any needles?” Richie asks, “I’ve always wanted to shoot heroin.”

“God you’re never going to reach 16.” Stan says, “Richie Tozier, died age 14 from touching an electric fence. Richie Tozier, sadly taken from us after licking a live wire. Richie Tozier, gave up the ghost after stabbing himself in the wrist with a dirty needle.”

“Richie Tozier,” Bill says, “S-sorely missed after using a wasps nest as a f-f-football.”

“Richie Tozier, taken too soon after-“

“This is abuse!” Richie yells far too loudly, and several birds fly away from their trees in shock. Stan stops still to watch them go, squinting his eyes and placing his hand over his forehead to see better.

“You’re t-t-too loud.” Bill tells Richie. “Stop s-scaring the wildlife.”

“I’m gonna fight the wildlife.” Richie says, flexing. “Come here grizzly bear. I’m gonna deck you.”

“You remember what we were just saying about you dying young?” Stan says, finally looking back at his friends, and Richie grins at him.

“What can I say? I’m a character.”

“You’re s-something.” Bill says, “I’m just not sure what.”

“Let’s keep moving,” Stan says, “Before Richie finds a gun and decides to play Russian Roulette with himself.”

“Ooh, that would be fun.” Richie says cheerily, and then marches on ahead. “Come along gang! Last one to the plague pit is a rotten egg!”

Stan watches Richie skip off ahead, and then gives Bill a look. Bill laughs, dropping into step alongside Stan, and skates the top of the ground with the metal detector.

“I’m s-sorry I couldn’t make it to your Bar Mitzvah.” Bill says, and Stan blinks, because it all seems so long ago. “I can’t cancel s-speech therapy appointments, they’re s-s-so important, and-“

“Hey.” Stan says, lifting a hand. “It’s no problem, I promise. Your stutter is more important than listening to _me_ stutter in a dead language.”

Bill smiles. “Thank you. I-I didn’t want you to think we weren’t f-friends.”

“Of course we’re friends.” Stan nudges Bill playfully. “You’re one of my best friends. That and motormouth over there.”

They look over at Richie who is talking to himself and splashing about in the river water. His jeans are splattered with mud right up to the knees, and he mysteriously has twigs in his hair that Stan is extremely confused about where he got them.

“We’re going to have to d-deal with him all s-s-summer.” Bill says.

“I know.” Stan says, and turns to him. “I can’t wait, can you?”

“No.” Bill says, smiling, and they continue walking onwards.

-

They’ve just reached the place where the river water runs out into the big sewer pipes when the metal detector starts bleeping. Bill and Richie are in a deep discussion about Han Solo and Princess Leia in Star Wars, and Stan is looking up at the trees through his binoculars, so they don’t notice it at first.

“Hey-“ Richie interrupts whatever Bill was saying. “What’s that noise? Is that someone’s watch?”

The three of them stop, looking about like idiots, and then look down at the metal detector in Bill’s hand. The box at the top is flashing, and it’s beeping merrily at something under the surface of the ground.

“What the fuck.” Richie breathes, “Did we fucking find something?”

“Maybe it’s a soda can tab?” Stan asks, and Bill tucks the metal detector underneath his arm.

“There’s only one w-way to find out.” He says, “Start digging.”

It’s then that someone throws a rock at their heads. It hits Richie on the back of the head, and he gives out a little gasp of pain, before whirling round, indignant.

“Hey!” He yells, “Who threw that?! I could have died!”

A girl bursts out from the woods, with flame red hair and a pair of boys dungarees on. She’s got another rock in her hands, and the three of them hold up their hands in front of their faces to protect themselves, Bill dropping the metal detector on the floor.

“This is our patch!” The girl says, lifting the rock up to throw it. “Piss off!”

“I didn’t see your name on it!” Richie yells, and the rock narrowly misses his head. “Ha!”

The next rock hits him directly in the groin and he crumples to his knees like he’s been shot. Stan watches him collapse, and then lifts up his hands like he’s in a hostage situation, Bill copying him.

“I’m sorry.” Stan calls to her, “We didn’t know you owned this neck of the barrens.”

“We’re j-j-j-just out here for f-f-fun.” Bill adds.

The girl surveys them for a moment, before looking over her shoulder. She says something that Stan can’t here, and then laughs at an invisible person, before turning back to the boys.

“Alright.” She says, “We believe you.”

“We?” Richie asks from the floor, and three other boys step out from the thicket, one of them holding a metal detector. “Holy shit it’s Eddie Kaspbrak.”

The boy in the red polo neck takes a step forward. “How do you know who I am?!”

“Your mom’s really hot.” Richie says from the floor, and the boy, Eddie, picks a rock up from the floor and holds it out as a threat.

“Who are you?!” He demands.

“He’s Richie.” Bill says quickly, “And this is S-Stan. I’m B-B-Bill.”

“B-B-Bill?” The girl repeats, but it’s not unkind. In fact, she’s smiling. “Interesting.”

“Who are you?” Stan asks, and the girl turns towards Stan.

“Bev.” She says, and then starts clambering down the hill towards them. “And these are my friends.”

“I’m Ben.” The one with the metal detector says.

“I’m Mike.” The other boy says, following after Bev, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Stan says, and then looks over at Richie. “Stand up, you’re embarrassing us.”

“Embarrassing you!” Richie says, laying in the muddy water. “She could have severely damaged my dick!”

“Well drop your pants and I’ll assess the situation.” Bev says with a smirk, and Richie gapes at her, before snort laughing.

“I like you.” He says, and clambers up from the water. “You’re cool.”

“Thanks.” Bev says, and then turns to Bill. “So, is looking for treasure just a hobby or?”

“Oh, it’s n-n-not mine.” Bill says, and thrusts the metal detector at Stan. “It’s his.”

“It was my Bar Mitzvah present.” Stan says automatically, and then flushes, in case they’ll tease him. Instead they stand there, looking at him curiously. “We’re just trying it out.”

“Well it’s bleeping pretty hard there.” Bev says, “What have you found?”

“No idea.” Stan replies truthfully. “Probably nothing.”

“It’s been b-b-b-bleeping on the walk here, but only f-f-for old cans and s-s-stuff.” Bill adds.

“Same.” Mike says, “Ours is useless.” He motions to Ben’s. “But we’ve found coins and stuff.”

“Which they spent on food and arcade games.” Eddie huffs. “We should save our findings guys!”

“You guys go to the arcade?” Richie asks, and Ben nods.

“Yup. We’re trying to beat the high score on Pacman.”

Richie’s face blooms with light. “That’s my high score!” He says excitedly. “I’m trashmouth!”

“I can tell.” Bev says, and then slips her rucksack off her shoulders, fiddling around in it. “I have a shovel, if you guys want to do some digging.”

“I love getting dirty.” Richie says, and Bill splashes him. “Hey!”

“What?” Bill asks, trying to sound innocent.

Mike laughs, a deep throaty chuckle that makes Stan’s stomach feel a bit floaty, and then also opens the rucksack he’s carrying. “I’ve got digging equipment too.” He says, “Stan, Bill, Richie? Want something?”

“Yes please.” Stan says, speaking for all of them. “It’s probably nothing though.”

“Not another pessimist.” Ben says, “It’s hard enough dealing with Eddie.”

“I’m not a pessimist!” Eddie says, “I’m a realist. And you don’t know- You don’t know what kind of germs, could be lurking out here! Especially in sewage water!”

“We’ve been looking for a plague pit.” Richie tells him, and Eddie screws up his nose.

“That’s disgusting!” He says, and then shrieks when Richie kicks a spray of water up towards him. “That went in my mouth!”

“I promise he’s nice really.” Stan says to Mike, who is already kneeling down on the ground, feeling the earth with his fingers.

“I could say the same for Eddie.” Mike says, looking up at him and grinning, and Stan finds himself grinning back like a lunatic.

-

They work noisily and rowdily, tearing up the dirt and soil with trowels and spades and bare hands. They talk as if they’ve known one another their whole lives, already working out how to make the other group laugh, and what to say that will most get on each other’s nerves. Stan’s never clicked with anyone like this before, not since he met Richie and Bill back in nursery and latched onto them for life.

“Anyone found anything?” Bev asks, dirt underneath her fingernails and smeared across her cheek like war paint.

“Nope.” Bill and Ben say at the same time, and then glance at one another.

“The metal detector is still beeping though.” Stan points out, “And yours too.”

“This is so weird.” Eddie says, staring down at the dirt. “Maybe they’re faulty.”

“I guess it’s just really deep down.” Stan says.

“Yeah, like Eddie’s mom.” Richie says, dirt completely covering him to the point where he can’t see out of his glasses. “Am I right? Someone tell me I’m right.”

“You’re wrong.” Mike says, and Richie pouts.

“You hurt me Mike, you really do.” He says, and then prods something in the dirt. “Hey, an earthworm! Someone dare me to eat it.”

“Nobody dare him to eat it.” Stan says quickly, “Or he will do it and poison himself.”

“Now I want to dare him to eat it.” Eddie says, and then takes a step back when Richie picks up the earthworm from the dirt with his forefingers. “Don’t you fucking bring that near me.”

“Oh Eddie,” Richie says in a sing-song voice. “A present for you!”

“No!” Eddie says loudly, now advancing backwards. “Richie, you fucking- Richie!”

“They seem to like each other very much.” Ben says, as Richie chases Eddie with the worm.

“They’ll be married by sundown.” Stan says wearily, and then his shovel clinks against something. “Oh?”

“What is it?” Bev asks, scooting closer.

“I- I don’t know.” Stan says, and starts digging at the dirt more forcefully, “Please, someone help-“

At once, four hands start scrabbling in the dirt alongside him, pulling the soil and mud away from the metal object underneath the soil. Stan blinks in surprise, especially when Richie and Eddie come back from terrorising each other and start helping too.

It takes a little while, but finally all the mess has been removed, and the object that the metal detectors were picking up is revealed. Stan gently levers it up out of the dirt and holds it in his hands, cradling it in his palms.

“What the fuck is that?” Richie asks, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and getting more mud on them.

“That’s r-really weird.” Bill says, peering at the object in Stan’s hands.

“It’s a clown doll.” Stan says, rubbing his thumb across the face to clear the dirt from it.

“A really fucking creepy doll.” Bev says, frowning. “I don’t like it.”

“Me neither.” Ben says, “It has a horrible face.”

“It looks like it knows something we don’t.” Mike says, wiping sweat from his forehead.

Eddie wraps his arms around himself. “It feels wrong.” He says, “Put it back.”

The doll is about the size of a bottle of soda, made of metal that sounds and feels like tin. It’s dressed in a harlequin clown costume painted weird tones of orange and grey, with little red shoes to match. The face is the weirdest part, a sickly grin spread across the bottom half, with big black eyes that stare up at the seven of them.

“What should we do with it?” Stan asks, even though he already knows the answer.

“Bury it.” Bev says, “I don’t think we should have uncovered it.”

“Me neither.” Ben says, moving away from the doll. “It’s got a weird vibe.”

“Send it back to hell!” Richie jokes, but it isn’t very funny.

“Okay,” Stan says, and gently lays the doll back in the dirt. It makes him feel sick to look at it, or maybe it’s just the smell of the sewer wafting closer. “Let’s bury it.”

They work together in silence, pushing the dirt back on top of the doll, fingers brushing each other’s as they work. The doll quickly disappears from view, but they keep going, piling more and more soil on top until you’d hardly know anything was underneath at all.

Eddie smooths the soil down on top, and then pats it firmly. “There,” He says, “All gone.”

“G-goodbye little d-doll.” Bill says, and then turns to Stan. “I’m s-sorry we didn’t find anything good.”

“No, it’s okay.” Stan says, looking about at all the people gathered around him. “I had fun.”

“Me too.” Richie says, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m glad your grandma gave you such a dorky present.”

“Stop being mean to my grandma.” Stan says, but he’s only teasing. “You love her cooking.”

“Oh god, your grandma’s cooking.” Richie shuts his eyes blissfully. “What a woman.”

“I still have cake and stuff left in my house.” Stan says, and looks at the others. “Do you guys want to come over? You can clean up as well.”

Eddie looks down at himself in surprise, as if he’s only just realised he’s covered in mud. “My mother’s going to kill me.” He says, and Richie nudges him.

“Don’t worry,” He says, “I’ll butter her up for you.”

“Shut up.” Eddie says, and Bev rolls her eyes at the two of them.

“We’d love to go to your house.” She tells Stan, and then reaches out and squeezes his wrist. “Thank you for inviting us.”

“You’re very welcome.” Stan says, and then brushes the dirt from his hands onto his knees. “Come on gang. Let’s go home.”

“We should have a name.” Ben says, as Stan starts walking, the rest of them following after him. “If we’re going to be hanging out.”

“The secret seven.” Mike suggests, and Bev laughs.

“You stole that from an Enid Blyton book.” She says, prodding Mike in the ribs where it tickles.

“I can’t s-s-say the name of it either.” Bill adds, “Too many s-s-s sounds.”

“Please, take pity on Big Bill here.” Richie says, slapping Bill on the shoulder. “He’s a delicate flower.”

Bill stamps down on Richie’s foot and Richie cackles with glee.

“Well we all met doing something weird and nerdy.” Eddie says, “The Weirdo club? The Strange club?”

“The Losers Club?” Stan says, and they all pause for a moment.

“I like that.” Bev says.

“Me too.” Ben says, and smiles at Stan. “The Loser’s club. Yeah, it really works.”

“Great.” Stan says, smiling back at Ben, at all of them. “The Loser’s Club it is.”

They walk off in the direction of home, filthy and tired and happy.

**Author's Note:**

> comment for more zany adventures


End file.
